If you give a mommy a minute, she might publish something a little more personal than quick and easy food and makeup.

I wrote the stuff below a while back, but just decided to post it today.  I thought it might help all of those other moms out there who might mess up sometimes to understand that they are not alone. 

It's true. No matter how bad your day is, there is always someone else who has had a much worse day. This used to make me feel guilty when I complained about my day, and sometimes, it still does make me feel guilty. Then sometimes, it just makes me feel human. Today was one of those days. I usually preface my complaints by starting off with all of the good. If I'm honest though, sometimes I do that simply for fear that if I don't, others will think I'm a glass half empty, ungrateful, petty little girl. I'm gonna cut straight to it.

It all started somewhere with my sweet but stubborn almost 3 year old.  My child has been potty trained for about 6 months but has had a major relapse this week. I was at my wit's end today.  I cried. She cried. It was awful. I decided to take Isla's pacifier away from her. Holy cow. Remember when someone kidnapped Jack Bauer's daughter on 24 and how he reacted?  Yeah, taking the pacifier away from Isla was kind of like that.  I have wiped butts, changed clothes, cut up little sandwiches, made dinner, folded laundry, folded laundry again after Isla decided she wanted to put on all of Adia's panties, and I have hardly had a second to even get a drink of water. Seriously. I poured a cup of water this morning to take my allergy pill and that water sat on the counter for hours before I even got to that. I am exhausted and I feel like I weigh 727 pounds, yet I have hardly eaten a thing all day. The short amounts of time I have had to myself have been full of things like worry about finances, family stuff, and my own insecurities. I have screwed up a million times today. I lost my cool with Adia over the pee thing and I shrieked like a little girl when Isla surprisingly pinched my thigh so hard that she bruised me. Of course, my shriek made Isla shriek and then Isla's shriek made Adia shriek.  I practically started hyperventilating over our finances as I spewed off all of my worries and fears about all of that to my husband which led to spewing about how to spew. I have wanted to throw in the towel all day and just jump off a cliff and into a lake, then swim to a raft where I could float for hours without a care in the world.

I love being a mom and a wife, but sometimes, I just want to be Rachel and I just want to float in a lake while the sun is the only thing looking at me and the water is the only thing clinging to me. There's nobody there needing their butt wiped or their potty treat. There's no checkbook, debit card, computer, cell phone, and no sharks (this is why I chose a lake...  no sharks, so no worries.)

Then I think about it.

About an hour after I lost my cool with Adia, she walked up to me and told me she needed to go pee pee in the potty. I held her hand and walked with her to the bathroom. She peed in the potty and after I got her off the toilet, she told me she loved me and fell into my lap on the floor of the bathroom. I cried and she laid her head on my shoulder and told me she loved me. I told her I was sorry for getting so upset with her and she just kept telling me she loved me. As I sat on the floor with her soft and fluffy little cheek pressed up against my teary and make-up smeared face, I knew I was right where I needed to be. Not just where she needed me, but where I needed me to be and in my purest state. I can't separate Rachel from mommy or wife or teacher or anything else I am because that is who I am. I'm flawed, I'm tired, I'm learning, I'm ok.

My Adia.  She'll always fit perfectly in my arms.

My shoulder is one of the few places that can tame this determined little sweetheart.  Isla is proof that God's plans are way better than mine.

 I imagine that's what it's like with God. We mess up. All the time. We do stupid stuff. For Heaven's sake, we take pictures of ourselves that make us look like a duck and an Olsen twin had a baby. We get so fed up with life, people, ourselves, and we just want a break from our thoughts and feelings. All the while, God is there and ready to take our hand. He's there to let us cry like a baby and to comfort us by just whispering over and over again, "I love you." All we need is to rest in Him. When I just want to get away, I don't really mean it.  The truth is, that none of us really want to be alone.  As hard as it gets sometimes, I will always love my daughters, my husband, and my Savior.  He is my raft in the middle of the lake. He is my comfort, my calm, my security, my friend.